If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle