Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Why is no one talking about this?!
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Story of my life…..
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
They must have gotten it to go.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!