Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
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It do be feeling this way.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I support this random dude and all his protests
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.