*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
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Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs