The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
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My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I think I’m having a stroke
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Monday
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.