Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
You Might Also Like
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Science memes
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Don’t tell me what to do
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please