Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
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My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”