Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
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if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Body by sandwich.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe