mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.