COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk