mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of