Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
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The Joker was right
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud