We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.