There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
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My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Shortcut
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL