[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
You Might Also Like
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
#ParentingFacts
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!