When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
You Might Also Like
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.