Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
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Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
john wicks are toilet candles
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.