My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
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I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
☠️☠️☠️
scrabbled eggs
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.