Woke up against my better judgment again
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*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February