You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
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My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I camp so other people don’t have to.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions