[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
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Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉