Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Feels like the fourth month in January
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
sensitive skin
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!