whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
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Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.