Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
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No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The glockness monster
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.