When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
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[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
How animals would run if they were human
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.