Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
The Sun
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!