Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase