Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Lmfaoooooo
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…