Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
HERE’S MARKY
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Just grow your own
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead