Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
bury ourselves
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.