Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”