ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.