They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Sheep
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.