Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
technically true but not a great slogan
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.