Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
my proudest tweet
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
handsome & gretel
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*