Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
You Might Also Like
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Remember folks 😂
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
⛄️
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”