All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I’m dying louder than usual today.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.