I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
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Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.