pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
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Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.