[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
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Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Nice try, poison.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?