My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
termite twitter scares me
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles