wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.