my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
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Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”