Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
The symmetry is uncanny.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap