I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
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Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat