me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
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Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
*limbos under the caution tape
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Not😆🤣
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.