Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
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If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey