7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
You Might Also Like
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
the only organized thing in my life is crime
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.