Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
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At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Ok who’s got my black socks?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already