must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
You Might Also Like
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I’m sorry…what?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year